Death and change

My father died early on the  morning of 5^th December.  He has had frontal lobe dementia and been in a care home for three years.

I have a complex history with him – many years of distress and pain, needing to work through my feelings and reactions to him.  Getting help when needed, grieving, meeting and sometimes avoiding, sometimes working on it.

Earlier today I was talking with someone and said that in many ways he has been my primary teacher.  It felt good to say it – I have learnt about my relationship to conflict and also to compassion as a consequence of my struggle with him (and with me).

There were times of acute pain and these don’t disappear although the strength of feeling attached to them starts to shift and change.

Some of my teachers talk about ‘changing the past’; I’m not sure about this yet but am clear that I have some ongoing work to do with regard to this relationship.

Ten tips for managing conflicts (and not needing a mediator)

This post has a workplace orientation but I hope it is also relevant in other contexts.

It is important to remember that most disagreements never escalate into conflict. Usually an event happens, you say something, the other person says, "Oh sorry about that" and both of you are satisfied.

What turns a disagreement into a conflict is when you say something and you don't get the response you hoped for. Instead you are ignored, not taken seriously, not listened to, dismissed as trivial, not acknowledged or get what seems to be an over-reaction.

One of the key principles to dealing effectively with a conflict situation is to separate your reactions from responses.  A reaction is where I don't feel as if I have a choice about what I am saying, feeling or doing whereas when I make a response I have moved to an internal place where I can choose what I say and how I say it.

1. In a moment of conflict try to pause - take a breath - in this way you can start to step out of your reaction and move towards a response.
2. Pay attention to the other person’s tone. If they are 'out of character' there is probably a reason for this. Try and ask them a neutral question like "I'm not following what you mean, can you say a bit more"
3. It is easy to criticise what is not okay about someone else's behaviour, but you also need to think about the positive things that you want (e.g. asking to be treated respectfully)
4. If you are feeling really negative you will need to find a way of letting go of some of this. Talk to someone you trust and express lots of your negativity, this can free you to think more creatively.
5. Remember that both of you will have your own perspectives and understandings of the situation. If you can, put yourself into the other person's shoes it may help you gain some insight about what action to take.
6. Pay attention to power. It is easy to notice the power you don't have in a situation but what are you doing with the power you do have? What influence do you have?
7. Everyone in your place of work is busy so you need to make time for a potentially difficult conversation but remember that the earlier you take action the better.
8. Don't wait for them to do something - take responsibility for changing the situation.
9. Plan what you want to say and then gather your courage. Relax, breathe, write it out if this helps you.
10. Go and see them - don't use email or text or phone, do it face to face wherever possible. Be prepared to listen more than you talk.

Dealing with conflict often feels difficult and for many of us it is something we would rather avoid. It takes effort and is sometimes risky but a small stretch out of our comfort zone can sometimes stop a conflict escalating to truly damaging proportions.

A version of this article appeared in the Times Educational Supplement

Moments of Grace and Connection

I walked into one of my favourite cafes today (Boston Tea Party), bought a drink and went in search of a table to do some writing. 

The café was busy with very few spaces except at a large table where a woman was sitting by herself. 

I asked her if I could sit at the table, she said sure, so I sat and said ‘I didn’t want to disturb your privacy’.

She turned back to me and asked ‘What do you mean by privacy?’

We then fell into a conversation that started with thinking about what privacy means, how it is different from personal space, how this is affected by culture and then we headed into an array of other areas, both personal and conceptual.  It was the type of conversation that cuts through all the day-to-day debris that can fill our lives.

At some point we described it as an oasis – two humans feeding and being fed by each others' attention, ideas, presence and engagement.

I wish to offer her my thanks and share the delight of that moment of grace.