Relating to Conflct - part 2

Changing my mind about conflict

My last post finished with the suggestion that we should change our mind about conflict and I want to start to explore what this means.

‘Changing my mind’ is a phrase I have stolen from my partner, who wanted to reclaim it from its usual negative connotation and meaning and instead, use it as a way of making a deliberate and positive choice.

So, what I am suggesting is that when we are in conflict and viewing it as ‘bad’, it may help us if we can change our mind and see it in a different light.

Let me take a couple of examples to explore......

You are a parent and your young child is having a tantrum in the middle of a supermarket.

There are many possible reactions and the one I saw today was the parent starting to shout at the child who then got even louder and more distressed.

Changing your mind in this situation is tough because you may be grappling with a sense of embarrassment, feeling very visible and perhaps being judged as a ‘bad’ parent.  The parent will also be running into a bunch of ‘rules’ that exist inside them about how they are meant to behave.  These are the rules that we all have - the ones that define our sense of what is normal.  The issue with these rules is that we often don’t know we have them until they get broken.

To change your mind, you may need to take a breath and internally go ‘my child is upset about something, I wonder what it is?’

This might enable you to stay relaxed and find a way of interacting with your child other than just shouting.  The process of changing your mind is about being able to look at the same situation in a new manner – it requires an effort.

Relating to Conflict - Part 1

I want to start writing about conflict, which for many of us is something that is viewed negatively.

What is your relationship to conflict, how do you use the word and how does this inform your relationship to the way you deal with it?

Conflict comes in many forms, internal ones (where we are ‘fighting’ ourselves), external ones (where we are ‘fighting’ another person) and societal ones (where we are ‘fighting’ the group or the state).

Our primary route into learning about conflict is through the family or adults that we grow up with, the ways in which they behave, the things they do and also the things they don’t do.

Some of us grow up with loud arguments being normal and being safe – where everyone knows it’s okay to express feelings and that being loud is just how we speak when we have something we want to say that we feel strongly about.

Other people will have been in families where loud means dangerous and should be kept away from at all costs.

Many of us will be familiar with conflict being something that is always seen as negative and we will have developed strong avoidance patterns.

Spoken and unspoken emotions will have a large formative effect upon us.

Some of our recollections of childhood will be positive others very negative, these early experiences will have shaped our understanding and our patterns of behaviour around conflict.

Whenever I ask a group to do a word association exercise on the word conflict, the outcome is nearly always negative.  Most of us don’t say things like ‘I’m really looking forward to going to work today; I’ve got some really juicy conflicts to deal with’.  We are much more likely to be thinking in terms of who to blame, getting rid of them or just avoiding the issue at all cost.

I want to introduce the possibility that conflict is creative, dynamic and promotes change.

Conflict is a given, it is going to happen whether we want it to or not, so if we manage to relax into accepting it, we can start to build a more fruitful relationship to it.

As conflict is inevitable, the part I have control over is how I relate to it, so can I take responsibility for this?

Can I change my mind about conflict?

Breathing

 

Sometimes there is a simple way through my personal debris and often it is remembering to take a breath. 

Do it now, take one, a clear breath, paying attention to the air entering your body and leaving it again. 

What do you notice, where is your focus and centre?  Are you at ease or are you caught on some treadmill of behaviour – just reactions with no space for a response.

This is not about mastery; it is about living here and now in the best manner that you are able.

Perhaps you need to take three or four breaths.  Allow yourself the time to do this – everything else can wait, the external world is unlikely to disappear and sometimes breathing supports a change in focus.

Each time you open your eyes can you see the world anew.  Can you look with wonder, gratitude and compassion, no matter what is happening?

In the darkest moments can you find this place?  What happens if you have no idea of this place, if every moment is a tortured and painful one, with no sign of relief or a change of view?

I want to believe that it is possible for every human to experience a moment of grace – to know what ease is.  However fleeting a glimpse, it may be enough to support the possibility of change.