Moments of Grace and Connection

I walked into one of my favourite cafes today (Boston Tea Party), bought a drink and went in search of a table to do some writing. 

The café was busy with very few spaces except at a large table where a woman was sitting by herself. 

I asked her if I could sit at the table, she said sure, so I sat and said ‘I didn’t want to disturb your privacy’.

She turned back to me and asked ‘What do you mean by privacy?’

We then fell into a conversation that started with thinking about what privacy means, how it is different from personal space, how this is affected by culture and then we headed into an array of other areas, both personal and conceptual.  It was the type of conversation that cuts through all the day-to-day debris that can fill our lives.

At some point we described it as an oasis – two humans feeding and being fed by each others' attention, ideas, presence and engagement.

I wish to offer her my thanks and share the delight of that moment of grace.

Relating to Conflct - part 3

 

Positions, interests and needs

Understanding positions, interests and needs are the fundamental requirement to dealing with any conflict situation.

A position is the behaviour that appears on the surface, it is known and visible.

An interest is what we actually want, it is often unknown and invisible.

Needs are our fundamental requirements (like safety and belonging) that drive our interests.

A position is a stance that we take in a difficult situation that we presume will get us what we want.  Positions are often ‘unexamined’; they are a loud and direct reaction to a given stimulus.

‘Just go to your room’

‘I want him sacked’

‘Why do you never wash the dishes?’

‘How dare you say that to me?’

‘You’re a complete incompetent’

Shouting at another driver due to road rage

These are all examples of positional statements, they are what comes out of our mouths when we are frustrated, angry, had enough or can’t take any more.  At one level, they are our attempt to get us what we want.  They often contain lots of emotion, sometimes clearly expressed sometimes hidden within the statement.

These statements are often heard by others as if they are coming out of the mouth of a persecutor, although when we say them we are usually feeling like the victim of someone else’s persecution.

They are the tip of an iceberg and in order to work effectively with conflict we need to explore the interests that lie under the surface.

Let’s use road rage as an example:

Relating to Conflct - part 2

Changing my mind about conflict

My last post finished with the suggestion that we should change our mind about conflict and I want to start to explore what this means.

‘Changing my mind’ is a phrase I have stolen from my partner, who wanted to reclaim it from its usual negative connotation and meaning and instead, use it as a way of making a deliberate and positive choice.

So, what I am suggesting is that when we are in conflict and viewing it as ‘bad’, it may help us if we can change our mind and see it in a different light.

Let me take a couple of examples to explore......

You are a parent and your young child is having a tantrum in the middle of a supermarket.

There are many possible reactions and the one I saw today was the parent starting to shout at the child who then got even louder and more distressed.

Changing your mind in this situation is tough because you may be grappling with a sense of embarrassment, feeling very visible and perhaps being judged as a ‘bad’ parent.  The parent will also be running into a bunch of ‘rules’ that exist inside them about how they are meant to behave.  These are the rules that we all have - the ones that define our sense of what is normal.  The issue with these rules is that we often don’t know we have them until they get broken.

To change your mind, you may need to take a breath and internally go ‘my child is upset about something, I wonder what it is?’

This might enable you to stay relaxed and find a way of interacting with your child other than just shouting.  The process of changing your mind is about being able to look at the same situation in a new manner – it requires an effort.